Doing Nothing

I am doing something I haven't done in a while - sitting in my chair in the sunroom in solitude, window open, birds singing, puppies sighing, sun shining, doing nothing. It is a beautiful fall day. The phone has not rung, for which I am so very happy. AND, I am doing nothing. With all the health issues and tests mostly behind me, I am devoting the rest of the week to doing nothing. The scans are done. By Friday the "Big P" test will be done! LOL  Friday, Thom and I are going to the mountains to look at the beginning fall colors and just enjoy some time wandering around. Tonight we will be getting together with our Home Group from church - always, always a joy and a privilege. The same for tomorrow's Women's Oasis gathering.

Though I am enjoying doing nothing the rest of this week, I am looking forward to the things on my to-do list - replanting my Monkey Paw fern, prepping the gardens for winter, working on some craft and art projects in my " studio,"  cleaning my office, (why is it always so cluttered?) joining the Y. Getting back to normal, God willing.

 God willing, I will be able to continue to plan our 50th anniversary trip to Europe in the spring, refresh my French and German and learn the polite necessities in Dutch.

 God willing I will rock my great-grand baby this winter, swaddled all cozy in my arms.

 God willing, I will watch with pride as Keith graduates from high school in June.

 God willing, life will go on awhile longer, as normal and I will never forget all the family and friends who love me, who pray for me, who stand with me and beside me and my God, who cares for me and listens to me and answers my prayers!

 God willing.

So, what happens when you finally hear the dreaded "C" word from your doctor? Your heart drops to the pit of your stomach - oh, right - that's where the "C" is. Doesn't sound good.

During a routine endoscopy, a polyp was found in my stomach, and was found to be cancerous. Or is it? (more about that, later) During a second endoscopy, the polyp was removed and as I have not yet heard from the lab, I would like to believe that the margins were clear and all of the cancer cells were removed. Meanwhile, over the last week, I have (after the initial shock and fear) remained fairly calm. I credit that to my own faith and the love and prayers for me from others who share my faith. And I must add, to those who send me love and good wishes, if not prayers. I thank you all.

It is amazing to me, a life long worrier, that I have worried so little about this. But I have in the past few years become much more mature in my faith. I have seen the power of prayer work, both my prayers and the prayers of others. I have learned to surrender to God, what which I have no power over and it has been so freeing. So, if I have cancer, I have cancer - I can't change that. (I still don't think of myself as having cancer. I think of myself as having had a cancerous polyp :-/ ) But, it can be removed, I can fight it if it is something more. Which brings me to my question earlier - is it/was it cancerous? I have been doing some research on that with which I have been diagnosed - a carcinoid.

"Carcinoid tumor is a rare type of tumor that grows slowly. Malignant tumors are cancers that often continue to grow and may spread to other areas of the body. Benign (noncancerous) tumors tend to grow more slowly and don't spread. Carcinoid tumors are somewhere between malignant and benign tumors. Carinoid tumors have been called cancer in slow motion, because if you have a carcinoid tumor, you may have it for many years and never know it."

My doctor last week told me that the lab had pronounced it a malignant carcinoma. However, a lab sheet I received said that it was a benign carcinoid. Hmmm. I think I shall have to ask about this. What I have deduced, though, is that if I am going to have cancer, this is a good one to have . . . assuming that it has not spread anywhere.

So to check for that, next week I have to go in for three one hour body scans. I'm gonna glow, folks! One on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. And I have to take a blood test and urinalysis for which I must prep for by not eating chocolate (among other things - but that's the important one) for four days prior.

Now, you may find what I am about to say next strange, but - maybe this has all happened for the good. I have been feeling a little self pity lately. Feeling unloved, alienated from family and friends (bare with me - I know this was ME not you!) Asking God why was I so alone, why was nobody here for me? Maybe the next question kind of goes along with that feeling, but was also wondering - what am I here for, what do You want me to do with the rest of my life, what can I contribute?

Here are the answers I see, now! Alone? NO! Family and friends readily at my side. However, God, this was not particularly the way I wanted You to show me that! The family and friends who have rallied behind me with love and support have been overwhelming. Prayers have so worked to keep me calm and trusting in my Father God. I am not alone. Far, far from it. And what if one of the purposed God wanted me to fulfill from this was to show me - show others what faith can do. Or to show others how to fight the good fight?

I know that I will emerge from this with a different perspective of living. I have already started changing my eating habits. And I'm sure that I will look for and find what God wants me to do with what is left of my life on this earth. So, thank you God, for a wonderful, loving family, for friends who are so numerous I would have trouble beginning to count them - much less thank them all; for a church and pastors who encourage me; for a changed outlook on the future. With out this "C" I would probably still be miserable, wallowing in my self-pity.

By the way, the birds have returned.