Grief in the Manger

I was saddened to see several friends announce the passing of loved ones during the Christmas holidays. This was the fourth Christmas since Mama died on December 22nd of 2009. That first Christmas there was no room in my heart for joy, for celebration, for the baby in the manger. In the manger there was only grief. I spent days wrapped in one of Mama's sweaters, her scent all that I had of her, numb and alone, for no matter who is there to offer love and support, each of us grieve alone. I was not alone in my grief though, as Thom had also recently lost his mother on the first of November. In our mourning, we sought comfort and found a church and a church family. Maybe that was the miracle of that Christmas, that inevitable as it was that our mothers would one day make their way home to Jesus, it would happen at this time while we were in this place to find this church and these people.

The following Christmas was pure escapism spent in Virginia. We took Sam and stayed at the home of a friend of my paternal cousin's who was away for the holiday. We immersed ourselves in family - Christmas Eve service, Christmas dinner at Tracy's with her husband, her two boys and their girlfriends, and my sister, Bonnie. We laughed, and reminisced, ate, opened gifts, and except for brief moments, the sadness of the previous year were avoided. Hearing that we were about to have snow, and a great deal of it, we went and bought a stash of food - chili, soup, hot chocolate and enjoyed the adventure of being snowed in by a blizzard. Sam loves the snow and wanted to go out every five minutes bringing laughter into our hearts. I thought, okay, I can deal with my loss and can enjoy Christmas.

So last year, we stayed home. We did a dinner out Christmas Eve with our grandson, Adrian and his wife to be, Morgan. It was a sweet time as it always is when we are with them. But Christmas day was gloomy, cold and lonely. Not only missing of our mothers, we missed our children and our grandchildren who were back in California. We vowed we would not spend Christmas at home alone ever again. 

This year we made plans to go to Charleston. The Sunday before we left, we enjoyed a family dinner at the house with Adrian and Morgan and another grandson, Wyatt and his girlfriend, Jasmine. And, we got to talk with Diane in Oregon. It was a nice family celebration. On the 23rd, we had dinner with our friend, Ruth in Charleston. We spent Christmas Eve day at the old market place wishing and being wished a Merry Christmas by many, smiles and laughter decorating our hearts. We met a nice young couple at the reception at the Inn that night and chatted, enjoyed the decorations, the appetizers, wine and over all good cheer of people around us. I went to bed content, if not joyous. I talked to Mama as I lay in the dark. No tears, no guilt, just "I love you and I miss you. I wish you were here." Christmas Day was nice. I enjoyed Thom's company and our dinner at Blossom. We Skyped with Tom and Sandy and laughed at the excitement of the two little ones telling us what they got from Santa. But, it still wasn't the heartfelt celebration I wanted.  It still wasn't a true celebration of the birth of Christ. But there is much less grief in the manger, much more faith - much less sadness, much more acceptance. All this a result of the last gift and legacy of our mothers - church, a church family, a renewed faith in our Creator and Savior. Maybe next year there will be abundant joy - quiet joy . . . and peace . . . and Baby Jesus back in the manger. 

Blessed are they that mourn
For they shall be comforted. 
                        Matthew 5:4

The Promised Land

I never could understand why my mother wouldn't join her family in California when there was no family left with her in Virginia. And, I still don't understand why - with both my children on the west coast - I have no desire to leave where I am. With my mom, I thought it was the nuisance of moving and leaving of friends (which certainly played some part in it), but I just couldn't understand why she wouldn't want to be close to us - me, her only child, and Tom and Diane, her two much loved grandchildren.

Thom and I recently spent the Thanksgiving holiday with Tom, Sandy, Patrick and Aiden. In addition to celebrating Thanksgiving we also celebrated Aiden's second birthday. It was such a fun time. Tom and Sandy really want us to come back to California. I could not ask for a more wonderful son! Tom is gentle, considerate and loving! Sandy likewise, is a beloved daughter-in-law and she came with a bonus of a wonderful extended family whom we enjoy emensely. And Patrick and Aiden? Well, there are no more beautiful, sweet, intelligent grand children than mine! (I'm sure you will forgive me!) And, I miss them terribly. I am always in fear that when they are older I will so much regret that I wasn't close by to watch them grow up. Why then, would I not want to move back there?

God promised Moses he would bring his people home. It would take years for that to happen and Moses never saw the Promised Land. But, this I can tell you - I am in my promised land, this is where God has called me, this is home. Much of this feeling comes, yes, from the spiritual family I have found, but mostly from the relationship I have found here with God. Sometimes I cannot help but to picture God planning my life, directing us mysteriously to follow Diane and her family to North Carolina. Did He know she would leave?

Some of our critters. Clockwise from top left; Charlie, Benjamin, and one of the clowns!

Did He select for us this beautiful spot in which we live? Here where I sit each morning and contemplate the beauty of His creation? Every day of the year, He sends me beauty - landscapes filled with pastel spring colors, rich deep autumn hues, the quiet reflective stillness of a snowy meadow! He gifts me with a continually changing choir of birds, squirrels - the jesters of my world, deer, bunnies, groundhogs. I would never have imagined! I have yet to see a black bear or a fox, but, He will not let me down.

The meadow and "lake" which appears with heavy rainfall, the hedgerow and the back meadow. 

And did he direct us to Lake Forest Church - for surely there are angels there who have guided us, loved us and protected us! These, too, are my family. I will never love anyone more than my son and daughter and their families. But, this is my Promised Land, here I am firmly planted, at least until God leads me elsewhere, and . . . I am happy. 

Thanksgiving Memories 2012

Running hugs
Thanksgiving with the Milanowskis
Turkey
Fruit salad
Aiden's second birthday
Pictures with Santa Clause
Twelve pieces of pepperoni
Orange Julius
My beautiful granddaughter all grown up
   * sigh *
Trains, planes and automobiles - toys, of course!
Mornings watching cartoons with two little boys
Little Einsteine, Mickey Mouse, Jake and the Pirates
Talking with Diane
REAL Mexican food - LOL
Patrick's nonchalant "oh, yeah"
Aiden's long, loud "MOMMMM"
The most beautiful blue eyes (Aiden' s) and
Simply charming dimples (Patrick's)
The warmth of a two year old sleeping on my lap
And damp hair, rosy cheeks and sleepy eyes upon waking.

Thank you, Father, for these wonderful memories and for the hope of sharing times with family again soon. Maybe ALL of our family next time? Grant us a safe journey home and welcoming licks and wags from our canine children. Amen

Musings on Creation and Evolution

This morning I sat in wonder and amazement at what I could see from my own little plot of this small planet Earth. I looked in awe at the brilliance of the crescent moon and the planet Venus hanging in the predawn sky. Wow! So . . . well, sometimes there are no words for what I see of this universe.

The Universe is a vast unending space. That to me, in itself, is so mind boggling. As much of space as we humans have been able to explore, it is full of cold, hard rocks and desolate moons and planets. And yet, here we are on a small planet covered in grasses, trees, sand and water. Why? Why this planet? Why humans? Why birds, bunnies, deer, dolphins, whales? Why dogs and cats - once wild - now tamed and human companions? And How? Even if you are an Evolutionist, don't you have to believe that whatever we evolved from was created ? And do humans, groundhogs, wolves, giraffes all evolve from the same "thing"? I don't see the creation story being any more impossible than evolution.
Besides, being one who likes to create - be it a cake, a painting, a blog post or a craft - I like the romance of a Master Creator. 

This morning there was a little lace wing on the window. He was so pale and delicate, his wings so intricate. What purpose does he serve? I don't know except that this morning he served to bring me pleasure. Created for my pleasure! What a lovely thought. Honestly, I love to think about God sitting at his Creation Table designing all these wonderful creatures and things. Think of the imagination - hippos, scorpions, butterflies, and . . . mosquitoes. Why mosquitoes? It's an incredible world. It's an incredible, awesome world and I give thanks to God the Creator every day.


I was once asked how I could see all this and I wonder, how can you not?

October

The other day on Face Book, the subject of October came up quite innocently, and my seventeen year old granddaughter commented that she wondered what would happen this year. You see, October is not our family's best month. October is the month we mourn too many people from our family. With the exception of my mother, all of whom we have lost have been in October - from the little premie grandsons, our young nephew and my sweet mother-in-law. And all of these fairly recently, so the thought that something is bound to happen hangs heavy in my granddaughter's mind.

But for me, all that mourning - and I do mourn - cannot take away from the beauty and glory which is fall, which is October. And especially here in North Carolina with all the hardwood trees that cover the mountains. I love spring with all the pastel flowers, summer in bright greens, reds, yellows - all the primary colors. But for me, it is fall when God paints his richest, deepest, most opulent tapestry. Colors of pale oranges to flaming reds, royal purples, deep yellow greens.

In California we had what was considered a pretty large yard for a track house. We had several trees - an alder, a weeping willow, a couple of birch trees in the back yard. One year we went away for about a week in late September and came back around the first of October. When I went to the window and looked out back, it took my breath away. Our whole back yard was like an Oriental carpet of rich scarlet, amethyst, amber and gold. I never saw it like that before or after. And it was such a surprise. When we left it seemed the trees had only started turning color.

So, what will happen this October, Kate? The leaves will turn from green to the richest treasures of God's earth, they will tremble on the trees and rain down upon the lawns. The robins will stop and stay a while, hopping around the yards until the weather gets colder and then they will move on down south. October will give way to November, November to December and we will all get to curl up in warm cuddly clothes, read books, drink hot chocolate or tea, rest and refresh and hopefully (for me) watch the silent white beauty of a snow storm interrupted only by the ruby red flight of cardinals flying from tree to tree.

I so marvel at the beauty of fall. And it makes me so aware of His glory which leads me to believe He holds those we love and have lost with Him in a place that even October here on earth cannot rival. 

Welcome

Hello Family and Friends,

I set this up several years ago, so I guess it's time to use it!

I have several friends who have blogs and I really enjoy reading them. All of them are really good and really interesting. Posts which include craft ideas and projects - completed and in progress, spiritual ponderings, political thoughts, and one (which is no longer active) was a travel narrative of my goddaughter's trip to Ecuador last summer. 

How interesting my posts will be, remain to be seen. But I like to write and so I will use this as a palette for my word pictures, poetry, impressions, opinions, my dreams and prayers. I hope that I can provoke some thoughts, ideas, and smiles for you and that you will enjoy what you read here. Thanks for stopping in.